Monthly Archives: February 2010
Okay, I might have been too quick to judge Neanderthals. It appears that my knowledge of them was ten years out of date. It appears that Neanderthals did have rudimentary language and are more intelligent than I once thought. Do I feel sheepish. 🙂
I’m ill and going to be taking time off tomorrow but here’s a video to keep you company.
I just saw a a post about cloning extinct animals and humans too, namely Neanderthals. I thought that was good in a ‘caveman take over the world’ kind of way. There is however a reason that we outlived them. We are smarter. Of course we also could have cross-bred with them too. Well never know for for sure, but I think we did. 🙂
Also cloning mammoths has been talked about before but I think that would be less troublesome than breeding humans because we’re going to have to give them rights and someone’s going to have a go at them too and then there’s be baby Neanderthals and the world is not ready for that. We have too much racial hate and violence in the world without having a slow species to take care of. Better stick with elephants and leave the apes for later.
Well, which is it?
First of all, my belief in god, or my disbelief is signified by my using the lower-case to spell the name. It will stay that way until I believe.
And secondly I’m not talking about god from a man’s (or woman’s) view. I’m not talking about the Christian, Hindu, Islam or any other gods or religions. They cause their own problems and I do not want to go there today. Instead I want to talk about the idea of god, sort of a metaphysical whatsit, who I don’t believe in and the reasons why.
- The time period is too short. Oh, it’s 2,000 years to the birth of Christ, 1,500 to Muhammad and Siddhārtha Gautama but we have lived 6,000 years to recorded history and we have lived as a species about 20,000 years.
- We are finding new things in science at an ever increasing rate but the religions are static. It is the same thing being taught: basically I think that the ideas of religion, whatever form it takes, is primarily to control. Science is ever changing and not static. I much prefer waiting the million years Sol would have taken to form than have some guy say that god said let there be light and there was.
- I think that the sun has been shining on this earth for a billion years than a few thousand like it does in the bible.
- Miracles exist. Life is a miracle. Us living is a miracle. One small change in the billion years before us and we would not be here. I feel anger at someone belittling it, which is what most people think of as a miracle. I have yet to see one, miracle or paranormal which proves it.
There are way more things I can think of (but can’t remember at this time) about why I think that science is more believable but I can’t think of one thing to do with religion.
It’s about god, astronomy, day to day living with a stroke, my memory or lack of it and basically anything that I think of.
Now, why do you think I want to talk about god when I am a non-believer? It’s because I am a born Catholic, and it is true about what they say about Catholics not being able to give up their beliefs entirely. When I was growing up I believed in ‘god’ because my parents believed in god and I trusted my parents. Later I doubted them and turned to other forms of spiritualism. And finally I began to disbelieve them entirely. I was about twelve when I did that. I hope to explain the reasons why in this blog.
My love of astronomy has grown exponentially since my stroke. I believe we are living at a fantastic time for peeking at stars. I believe that we have photographed the first extra solar planet or we are about to very soon. Sure, it’s only going to be a little blurry speck but it’s a start. I would also like to talk about ETs. I know they are out there. Maybe here as well. 🙂
My stroke is difficult at times because I forget things but it is improving. I forget the rest… 🙂
Short answer: I don’t know.
Long answer: I don’t know, but I think I am.
Long answer that isn’t so smart arse: I was born on the #th of ###, 19##. My first memory is of my first birthday. I remember being carried down the front steps and sseeing the people in my garden. I also remember my cake in the shape of a ‘1’. People have said that I am just remembering from photograph’s but I am sure that is what I saw.
What am I?
I am a mix of Sinhalese and one quarter Chinese. This has been quite difficult for me. I don’t think anyone actually said anything to me but I felt they were thinking it. I am also an only child. I am spoiled and at one time I hated my parents and thought I was adopted. I have since got over the second part.
I have a great deal of trouble writing about her. She is kind, but existing in another world of neatness and order. She is fit, but thinks she is not. She takes advice on how I like to do things but then she does them her way. I love her very much but understand her as well. She is divorced from my Father and lives in a small house with her eccentricities.
Until the age of three I had a Nanny. Her name was Soma. She was kind and I got along with her well. She later married my Great Uncle and when I was about ten she was murdered in her village. The person who did it was never caught.
My Father, who I love too was not always there when I was growing up. He was a (and still is) an amazing sportsman who always amazed that I didn’t follow in his footsteps. He lives in California.
My early years…
When I was three I went to England and stayed about three months. When I came back my Singhalese was dreadful and it never recovered. At five I was in pre-grade 1. I don’t remember much of that time except for my introduction to my music teacher, Mrs. Costa. I also had my first homo-sexual experience at home and in school. I think it was mostly because I was curious and it didn’t last for much longer.
My early school years…
At six it was to grade 1. I was about the youngest in my class. That and my lack of siblings made it difficult to cope. The started to call me names. I was sick most of the time and small so it wasn’t too hard to do. Luckily school was closed for a couple of months and when I came back I was the biggest kid in class. Yay. I remember the riots but not the immediacy of it.
I had my first girlfriend about that time. I had a dalliance once before with a girl named Tammy, but this was different… or so I thought. I spent days working up the courage to ask her and then I did and was given the go ahead to call her my girlfriend, and… well, nothing much for the next two years. She said she was afraid to tell her mum about me, but when she broke up she went out with other guys. I can remember that affecting me greatly. I even asked her out in ’99 and was rejected again. I have since forgiven her but my pain at that is deep.
In grade 7 I moved to Stafford because I could no longer deal with the Sinhalese . This was a mixed school and I had to get used to girls since I never had to deal with before. I got thinking that every girl liked me and I didn’t take much notice of my work anymore. Some of my work suffered but English always stayed strong. A friend mine said something about not thinking that all the girls like me and I think that stuck with me more than any other thing.
My first year was also the year I noticed something growing under my skin. They were tumors, benign and fatty and quite un-treatable. They have grown over the years to cover 60% of my body. They are many but most people don’t notice them unless they look closely. I’ve had about twelve of them removed because I thought they were constricting blood flow but that turns out to not be the case. And the scars are terrible for such a small procedure.
I started singing about that time too. I was playing the piano since I was six, seriously since I was about nine but something was not quite right with my sight reading and I never got it right since then. I played a few pieces well, but I could never learn anything new, or I could but unpredictably. I once played Beethoven in a concert that no one remembers. Anyway, I was singing in the school choir and then the Mary Anne Singers and the Coro Philharmony and sang solos in the choir and the 2 school plays, and I’m pretty sure no one remembers them. No matter. 🙂
My school were fun but I don’t remember much from them. I have tons of friend but no one I’m really close to. I did my O’ Levels but didn’t do quite well (except in English) and I think I did my A’Levels a year late and failed one out of three. I didn’t have the required grades for University so I ended up doing a foundation year before going to Monash in the Winter (Aussie time) of 1997.
I spent my Foundation year at my Aunts place about an hour away from the city. It was difficult for me to live so far away from the others in my class. I had to leave just as classes were done and got home when it was dark. I did read proditousely during that time, about 30 books per month over 6 months. I can’t remember any of these titles now but I did list them out once and was amazed. I once studied speed reading but from that time I kinda think I knew how it was done.
I breezed through my time there even taking up playing the piano even though it wasn’t given as a subject as I was doing a half year. I had good, if unremarkable results that enabled me to study anything but medicine.
But before I got these results I went to Sydney for two weeks for a holiday. Again I stayed far away from the city but made good. I went to the cinema seeing A Clockwork Orange for the first time. I went to Oceanworld and the Sydney Aquarium. I went to the Sydney Zoo, and saw a girl that I had seen before at the aquarium. She was slightly older than me, but we never met although she recognized me and I was given a chance. I regret that and wonder how my life would change if I had taken the chance. There was still time.
After I started University I moved to Frank Tate House which was then a boarding house for mainly foreign students. I was doing great in my first semester, scoring HDs in three subjects and a D in Psychology and not having studied at all. I remember that one Indian was furious since he studied excruciatingly hard and only got 2 HDs.
I met my other self, a guy who had the same first name as me from Malaysia. He was and is my secret best friend and even though I don’t talk to him much I still keep in touch. This was also the first time I met Kate. She was from Hong Kong, an only child and incredibly good looking. I met her at my graduation party. She was taking the photographs of the event and I asked her to dance. I remember every moment of it and it was magical. Later I asked for her phone number. I should have asked her out, but I didn’t. To cut a very long story story short by the end of it she asked me never to speak to her again and what I did was close to stalking. I had no idea that things had got that bad. I was in shock. I thought about it for days and I didn’t know what or how I did things could be considered that way but I was determined to never let that happen again. I had that happen again about twice more before I got the message. However I have to still think about that when I talk to women. I’m so full on and not too many people get that.
That is what I do… play games. The virtual kind. I’ve been playing games (and programming) since before I was five. Playing just about every game that existed on the PC up until up until about three years ago, but more on that later.
And back to…
University, which closed down for the Summer holidays so I had to stay with a friend, which was nice as his girlfriend had gone home and he was lonely. So I stayed there while looking for a new place. I wonder if I ever had any intention of going back to the hostel… Anyway, I finally found a place South Caulfield with an elderly lady. It was fine but I got bored after a while and got a roommate as well. The place was fine but it could have led me to places I wouldn’t have got to had I not been there.
Well, I don’t cheat as such but I had a part in it. About halfway through the semester when I already had finished doing an assignment with my partner I gave the assignment to an acquaintance. It was my intention that he use the assignment to get ideas, and I thought nothing about it. I didn’t tell my friend. However, the acquaintance just copied my assignment and just changed the name and of course we were found out. I admitted responsibity and accepted the consequences, which turned out to me failing the subject.
I thought about it long and hard and decided that this is the first step to my nervous breakdown. Even though the breakdown happened about four years since, this was the start.
I have often tried to explain why or how that happened but have failed. I almost have nightmares about my time there, or I would if I had them. This is also were my memory ends, or at least the emotional part of my memory. I remember facts, places, people but have no recollection of the emotions involved in them. This is not to say I don’t have emotions, just that they are not retained. However, I will attempt to fill out the facts as best as I can.
As far as I can tell I had no idea that I was going down a path to breakdown. I was living life as I normally would. It was about 2002 and I had dated a couple of people but nothing serious. I met a Russian about my age and we had a lot in common but things cooled after a while. I think now that she was coming on to me but I was too stupid. I wish I had seen that then. You see, I had never slept with anyone till I was about 22 and that bothered me a lot. A lot more than it does now. I had problems with money. My father sent me some but it wasn’t enough, at least for me. I tried working but I was always honest which it turns out is not a good quality in a salesman.
More problems with money, until I spent my actual tuition money as well. I couldn’t keep down a job and because I had spent a whole semesters worth was constantly in debt. I never had money, and when my father did send some I spent it on debts. I kept spending days at a time holed up in my room, playing games, browsing the internet and spending as much time as I could away from my studies. I don’t know how I did it, but I survived till the end, spending my semesters fees to pay my previous semester debt. I kept thinking that I was fine but in the end I flunked my entire last semester and did not have the money to pay for it.
I also had girl problems though I didn’t know it at the time. I had lost my virginity that year though I can’t figure out who or when. I think it’s open to interpretation. 🙂 Anyway, I found ‘love’ with a person much older than me that lasted for a year. Strangely I remember that time more vividly than my five year relationship with my wife.
I came home in (I think) 2003. When I came back she phoned me and told me she was pregnant and would later give birth to my son. I haven’t seen him still and I don’t know much about him except some pictures from time to time. I feel helpless at times and keep thinking how things would be if I was there. I love him, even though I haven’t heard his voice.
Things keep getting shorter and less detailed the later in my life because in 2008 I had a stroke. Things are hard to remember about how it happened. Initially my Doctors thought I had a clot in my neck because my arm was feeling week. I had some other problems too so it was 18 days until I was diagnosed. When I was finally diagnosed I still had some control over my arm and nothing else was wrong with me.
When I started the medication I changed overnight. My right hand was completely paralyzed and I had only about 20% function in my right leg. I had limited speech, sort of monosyllabic. My memory was completely messed up. I was thinking that it was about ten years ago and I was wondering why my parents looked so old. My short term memory was sporadic at best. Later I found out that I had forgotten to read, type and speak. It all slowly came back to me and now I can walk (still not run though), use my left to do almost anything.
And at no time in my recovery (which is still ongoing and will be for a long time) I have never complained. I think that what I was been through is the best thing that could happen to me. Of course I wonder what would have happened had I done something different, but everyone thinks that. And if you don’t your lying. 🙂
I have been pain free for two years, which from the view of someone who hadn’t got a days break in 10 years was an untold blessing. I cannot believe I am not in pain. At first I did not notice for about a month because of my memory issues. I can say without a doubt that this is my greatest gift to be thankful for… even though I’m an atheist so I kind don’t have anyone to thank. I’m fitter, much more relaxed and have a very different outlook on life. I used to be angry all the time but now and for the past year I haven’t been angry at all. The anti-depressants help but it isn’t only them. I think that I’ve been given a new lease on life.
And, before I forget, I’m sorry for saying “I” all the time. I know that it’s actually my life that I am living but I feel that it’s damned offensive that I’m in it. But I thought I should write this as my memory doesn’t seem to be all powerful and I’m going to have to find something else lest I forget. Also I think about my own mortality a lot now and even though I’m healthy now it’s only a matter of time till I’m not. This way I know something is going to be there after I’m gone even if it’s for a little while.
What? Only a while…?
Yes. Only a while. I write this on virtual paper with one hand and press save and it goes out into the ‘world’ for a while, maybe a couple of years, maybe a hundred… but we are finite. As we have a life and an end of it our civilization has an end too. Any god or faith you have are fine but you don’t cheat death. I would like to try, but then I won’t be living.
What do I do now. Well I’m back home, or at my mothers place till I find a home of my own.My wife of five years wants a divorce, or maybe I want one. Anyway, we are separated and that should be finalized in about three months. I have a three year old daughter who I have relearned to love but also I guess I can no longer be a father to her at least for now. I stay close to her till that day.My money problems still haunt me but I am fixing them.
My friends are gone. Only two survived the transition to post stroke but I’m fine with it. I have a few new friends and even though I really don’t say much I have been accepted which is good. Girl problems still follow but they are fine now since I have no intention of finding someone anymore.I am just kind of glad to be me. 🙂